The Right Way To Live

By Jessie Martin

I've noticed with the rise of social media and technology in general, that everyone seems to be either posting a countdown of how long they have to wait until their next trip or holiday OR post-trip depression and withdrawal photos saying things like "wish I was back here" and "Throw back Thursday" OR photos of them having the time of their lives ON the trip "from where you'd rather be".

It's all focused around the fact that our lives almost revolve around getaways because our daily routine lives are so draining that we would just much rather be anywhere else- and sure, everyone loves a good holiday and a nice getaway, but you can't do it all the time because you would run out of money and you have to get back to reality, right?

But... is that right...? Why can't we live like we're on holiday all the time? I would love to know what we would look forward to and how different some of us would be if we were constantly in holiday mode, and didn't have this dream trip to look forward to- if it was just a constant reality.

Shouldn't life be like that...? Shouldn't we be able to live wherever we want to live? And do whatever we want to do? Sure we need money to live luxuriously, and if we're being realistic then yes, we all have to work to get what we want, but why can't we have the best of both worlds?

Our lives have become so centred around our jobs and our careers that simple things like love, and friendships, and nature, and the world, and even the planet, are so much less important to us. 

We would rather spend money on fake tans, and teeth whitening, and expensive clothes and shoes and bags to try and impress people and look good, but for what? What are you actually gaining from spending money on that skirt that you will probably never wear, and those earrings that will probably just sit on your shelf? A very brief feeling of what you assume will be happiness, but will actually just be an illusion, and by the end of the week all you will have is the same empty feeling and a rapidly decreasing bank account to match.

Life just seems to have become such a vicious & endless cycle- you study, study, study at school, and work hard at your exams, just to go on and study more and do more exams at university, so you can get a "good" job and work even more, so that eventually when you turn 70 you can sit in a rocking chair and look out the window at some pretty trees swaying in the wind, trying to remember what it felt like to climb them... 

It is so ingrained into us that we need to create these foundations for our future when we are young and start this career and path for ourselves that can help us earn lots of money, but we have so long to figure all of that out, whats the rush? Why do we need to worry about the money we're going to want to spend in the future? People can be just as happy without a big fancy house and an equally large mortgage. People can be happy debtlessly frolicking through life, from place to place.

We don't live in the present enough, we spend so much time either stressing about the future, and what might or might not happen, or we're reminiscing on the past and "the good old days" when we had "more time" and less responsibilities. 

Whenever someone is going on a trip or holiday people are always "so jealous" and call you "lucky" but there is absolutely no reason why they can't do it too.

You may have won a trip or gotten one as a gift, in which case you are lucky! 

But usually, it's a trip that you've worked your ass off to save for so that you could have an escape and a break from your daily life, and there is nothing "lucky" about that, and they are jealous; they are jealous of the fact that you have the guts to leave it all behind for a while and spend your hard earned cash on a well deserved trip to somewhere they would kill to be.

But it really comes down to what you want out of life and what you think will make you happy. 

If you love your job, your friends, your family and your life just the way it is and the way it's going, then continue on, congrats! But if you don't, don't feel like you're trapped in some endless cycle of expectations that society has created for you to fulfil, because you definitely aren't.

If you hate your job as it is, then why not pick up something simple like bartending or barista-ing and be able to travel with it and just work in place to place as you go? 

Everyone feels like they are trapped and they have to decide what career they want to work towards, or that they have kids to look after and bills to pay- but seriously, you only live once... and I know that sounds cliche' and simple... but not enough people seem to realise it and make the most of it!

There is ALWAYS going to be plenty of time to go to university, get that degree that you think you might like but is really just your parent's idea of financial stability. 

There is always going to be time to work in a job that you hate, to get a mortgage, get married, have kids, get loans, pay bills, settle down, etc. 

But I don't understand why young people are expected to worry so much about creating their futures so early on... why aren't we encouraged to make the most of our youth and live like there's no tomorrow and seize the fucking day! CARPE FUCKING DIEM!

It takes balls, it takes boldness and it takes a shit tonne of bravery- but I IMPLORE you to drop all of it! All the materialist, consumerist and unfulfilling ways of life that you are so used to- your 9-5 desk job, your crappy on/off relationship, your superficial and expensive social life, your financially depleting cramped apartment, and even your family- who will definitely still be there when you get back- or even better- take them with you.. but if no one is willing to take the leap with you, then leap on your own... and GO! 

Stop waiting for "the right time", stop waiting for "the right person" and live your life like you have nothing to tie you down, no expectations, responsibilities and no one to look out for but yourself and those people who are truly worth it.

Take the world by storm, see everything you possibly can and just do what makes you happy- there's no time to waste on anything else.

Free Bird

I'm so sick of people telling me how to live my life.
I'm so sick of people throwing their opinions in my face when I haven't asked to hear them.
I'm so sick of people giving me what they think is "helpful advice" when really, it's not.
I'm so sick of people telling me "that's going to be hard" or "you'll regret doing that".

Firstly, when did everybody become so god damn cynical?
Why the negativity, and why the constant need to push your beliefs onto others?
I'm perfectly happy living my own life, so why can't you let me!
I feel like I've been raised in a bubble, and that I'm used to it now so I'm really going to struggle to get out of it comfortably, but I think I really need to pop it and run for the fucking hills.
& start a life of my own in those hills, and not go running back to the bubble, because I need to learn to be me, on my own, discover the world and discover who me even is, before I become this robot person that just adheres to societies expectations, working 9-5 everyday, getting married, having kids, caring about materialistic and superficial things, rather than happiness and the important stuff.

I might be naive, I know that I'm young and inexperienced and although I try to expect the worse, I probably have no clue... But that's why I think I need to see the worst, so I can appreciate the best, and gain experience and wisdom and all that jazz.
I feel like everything that I've ever once wanted in my life, I have been talked out of or told that it would be a mistake or unstable or not financially viable or that I can't do it, and thus I have given up, and that's bull shit, because now I feel so lost and so unhappy and I don't even know what I want anymore, because I can't hear myself over everyone else's opinions yelling in my face at once.
So speak up, little heart, speak up and stand up for what you need and what you want.

& I definitely DO NOT need a man to make me feel validated in life!
Sure some romance is nice and if the love of my life walks in tomorrow, I'd follow him to the ends of the earth, but until then, I have no obligations to any body, and i'm sure as hell not going to waste my time on some douchebag who thinks the sun shines out of their own asshole!
I don't owe anyone anything, I don't want to feel like I have to think about someone else when I make my decisions, because I did that for over a year and it was crappy and make me severely unhappy!
I'm sick of everyone telling me how I should feel or assuming that I do feel a certain way about things, and putting so many boundaries around me, like I'm a piece of land that needs to be fenced off so that they can shove their flag into my soil and claim me as their property.
That's what it feels like sometimes.

No thank you. I am nineteen years old, and I have the world at my feet, and my whole life ahead of me. I am in no rush to get a degree, start a career, rush into a relationship, get married, have children, or any of it. I have all the time in the world for those things later in life, but right now, I am young and I am reasonably free, so I'm going to make the most of the years that I can just focus on myself and have no baggage. I am going to go and see the world and live amongst people who I've never met and work my ass off and live life day by day. I don't need someone around to help me make decisions or to tell me how to feel about things, because how am I meant to know how I feel about things, with everyone else's opinions clouding my view?

I am young, I am free, and I am coming world; hear me roar!

Filling the Void

There's always a boy...

Why is there always a boy?

There's so many nights that I spend alone, thinking about where else I could be.
Thinking about who else I could be with, or who I could be talking to.
Or what I could be achieving ...
It seems like, even when there's someone with a genuine interest in me, it's never the someone I want it to be, and is that ungrateful or is that right?
Do I deserve someone I want, or should I settle for someone who wants me?
Should I wait around for someone who might never come along?
Of course I should, but it's killing me.
I hate that I'm so emotionally dependent on other people.
I feel like there was a time when I wasn't, but I've gotten into this seemingly irreversible cycle where I'm constantly relying on someone else to feel happy or validated.
Sometimes I just feel really sad and empty, like I could float away with the lightest of breezes.

Katy Perry once sung: "Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag, sailing through the wind... ready to start again?".. & I always thought they were stupid lyrics, because who the hell compares themselves to a plastic bag? But it's actually a very relatable metaphor... I feel like I could easily be swept up and blown away because I feel this emptiness and this lightness, like I'm transparent and hollow...
& I don't know how to fill the void.
I'm hoping that travelling Europe will either fill the void for a while, and open up this creativity and happiness inside of me, or that it will help guide me to find what will fill the void!
& it's funny because, we all go searching for ourselves as if our identities are lost objects, but really they're buried deep inside of us and most of us are just too scared to look inside on our own.
Most of us are so brainwashed with societies expectations and what we think we should want and who we think we should be that we never let ourselves work on instinct anymore.
We've broken away from nature and severed our spiritual ties almost completely.
& I'm not talking about God here, I'm talking about our sense of selves.
We lost it in a chaotic mess of selfies, instant messaging, nudes, video chats, texting, and the works.

So maybe if I force myself to go and live somewhere where I have no financial stability, I'm out of my comfort zone and I'm completely surrounded by nature and semi-cut off from the technological world, I will finally be able to find what I need to fill the void.

Being Alone Without Feeling Lonely

I feel like we're brought up to rely on the company of others to make us happy.
I feel like girls especially, are made to feel like they have to have a boyfriend to make them feel complete and happy and of any worth.
I feel like sometimes the whole 'couple' concept is so heavily ingrained into us, that when we aren't in a couple, we feel incomplete, or like we're doing something wrong.
But what ever happened to good old fashioned alone time?
I don't mean the kind of alone time that involves staying home feeling sorry for yourself, eating ice-cream and watching bad movies or tv shows.
I mean the kind of alone time that allows you to really get to know yourself.
Soul searching, Personality establishing, Invigorating, Enlightening, Alone time.
The kind of alone time where you genuinely want to spend time on your own.
Alone time that doesn't make you feel lonely.

I feel like the young generations these days, myself included, are so wrapped up in finding someone else to 'complete' them, or even just to talk to so they don't feel alone, that they don't ever bother getting to know themselves, and therefore, end up unhappy.
The amount of 12 years I've seen worrying about being "forever alone" is ridiculous.
Its even sad when 20 year olds think they're "forever alone".
Because seriously, you have your whole life ahead of you, and it's going to be full of random bump ins, and spontaneous meetings and all sorts of new and old people that will come into your life and surprise you or even just be right under your nose.
You WILL find love, whether it's the kind you were expecting or not.
& all of us get lonely sometimes and wish that we just had someone already.
But it doesn't work like that.

& what's worse is that, you shouldn't feel like you need somebody else to justify your existence.
You shouldn't feel like because you're single, that you have no worth or you can't be happy alone.
You should feel the most comfortable around yourself, because you are the person who should know yourself the best, and love yourself the most (apart from your mother of course).
Obviously everyone wants to be loved by others, but I cannot emphasise enough, how vital it is to love yourself first...
Because if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

I was in a serious relationship for about a year and a half.
We lived together which wasn't the best idea, because it was my first experience living out of home.
It was meant to be my big 'move out' moment, but instead it was 'our' big 'move in' moment.
Obviously I didn't see this at the time- I thought it was a great idea, for "us"- but at that age, I should of been thinking about one person, and one person only- me.
& that's not to say everyone should think about themselves and only themselves, and not be in relationships- it's just that I think you really need to experience some things on your own, before you're ready to fully commit to someone else.
You have to know yourself, and love yourself, before anyone else can.
You have to be able to be alone and not feel lonely.
& I really don't think that you know yourself if you've only ever been with someone else.
I didn't realise until after I'd been broken up with by this guy, that I'd grown as a person with him, that he had had a lot of influence on my personality and growing, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but it just made me realise that because I'd started this 'adult' journey with him, I had no idea how to be an 'adult' on my own because I'd never been one on my own.
He didn't make me who I was, but we'd spent so much time together, and so many of my memories were with him, that I felt so lost when we broke up, and completely unsure of myself, and who I was.

As Oscar Wilde, once said:

"I think it's very healthy to spend time alone. 

You need to know how to be alone and not be

defined by another person"

So that leaves us with the question of: How can you be alone, without feeling lonely?

And sadly, I don't know the answer.

I'm still searching. I'm still confused. I'm still lost.

I don't know myself, and I feel so dependent on people and so alone sometimes.

But I think that it's important for me to feel this way, and to do some serious soul searching so that I do find out who I am and who I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do.

Sometimes I think, yeah if I had a significant other right now, I wouldn't feel so lost, I would have someone to help me and someone to rely on and someone to love me and help me feel validated.

But what kind of fucked up thinking is that?

I should be able to feel that way by myself. 

How can I put all that baggage and all those expectations on someone I'm meant to love?

I need to get to know myself to my core, before I can love myself.

& I need to love myself, before I can expect anyone else to.

So- If you feel alone, write about it.

If you feel alone, put on some music and lay on your bed and stare at the ceiling until you feel too numb to move and let your mind wander and drag.

If you feel alone, call a friend or a sister or a cousin or an aunty or your mother or cuddle with your dog, or invite someone over who will make you feel happy and who will cheer you up.

If you feel alone, ask yourself why?

If you feel alone, do something for yourself, do something that you want to do or have always wanted to do, but never gotten around to doing.

If you feel alone, sing really loud and dance on your bed.

If you feel alone, then go out and meet people.

If you feel alone, then google all the more depressing shit that's going on in the world and read about all the people who have it 999999999999 x worse than you do.

If you feel alone, read a book or watch a movie and pretend you're someone else for a while.

If you feel alone, go for a walk or a run and 'be one with nature'.

If you feel alone, book some sort of trip, big or small, and go somewhere amazing and somewhere super busy where you can stand and not only observe the beauty of the world but the beauty of humanity, and you can just enjoy it on your own and feel connected to the world.

If you feel alone, get a fucking dog, don't put that kind of emotional baggage onto other people.

If you feel alone, get drunk and feel sorry for yourself.

If you feel alone....

You are not alone.

(not a Michael Jackson song reference ;) )

Beyond an Old Fear

I rely on other people for my own happiness too much.

I don’t do it on purpose, it happens on it’s own.

I get sad when I don’t get a reply straight away. I worry. I stress.

Someone or something must be more interesting than me.

And then there are times when I think I am super. I am great.

But I am still only me. & I have flaws. And faults.

But also great characteristics and funny moments.

I’m unique. I’m different. I’m only a girl. I’m also a person.

I have my ups and I have my downs.

I have my sad days, and I have my happy days. I’m only human.

& I want someone who loves both of those sides, without question.

Who will take me for the whole picture, not just the pretty side with the greener grass and brighter skies.

& I think it’s natural that people attach themselves to others, emotionally.

& I am emotional, very emotional, so it’s even worse for me.

& I’m not saying I want it to end, I just want to be more self sufficient.

I just don’t know how.

How can I not let anyone else effect my happiness? How can I make myself happy?

I don’t know, I just feel empty.

My life is lacking direction right now and I want to leave and travel and live.

But there’s things holding me here, and life is holding me here.

& I’m letting it.

& I feel alone, and that makes me sad.

& there’s all these love stories that we grow up with, that teach us to have false expectations of love and of boys and of relationships, and they suck.

Because maybe there isn’t such thing as a soul mate.

Maybe there isn’t a knight in shining armour or a prince charming who will come and sweep me off my feet.

& I don’t know if I like that.

I don’t want to just settle for anyone. I want a hurricane to cut across my fields, tear me up from the roots, like an old tree, and rip me out of the ground so hard, that I don’t even have a second of time to look back on what my life was.

Am I asking for a miracle?

I just feel sad.

I just want to be loved.

Is that too much to ask?

A Material Girl, In A Material World

It has come to my attention, that I am, without a doubt,
A Material Girl, In A Material World. & I hate it. I hate that I rely on material possessions as much as I do. The main thing that has brought this to my attention, as of late, is

TRAVELLING!
How am I meant to travel the world with 27 suitcases full of junk?
I want to be able to pack light & easy, so that I don't have to constantly be worried about losing things, or needing things. I want to be able to jump up and move on to the next destination without too much stuffing around! All I really need, is clothes, and even they can be bought anywhere.
Essentials= Money & a Passport 
& that's all. That is literally all I need to do what I want to. & you know what, I HAVE those things! I am ready. Although, I guess I could use some MORE money. But back to the point...
I realise that I rely so much on my phone, for getting places, for taking photos of everything, for the time, for contacting people, for listening to music, for a torch, for a calculator, for checking dates, etc, etc, etc. & don't get me wrong, it's fantastic to have this device that you can basically use for everything, but lately I have been feeling like it's almost a part of me, and I don't like it. I want to be able to leave it at home sometimes, or in my bag or pocket even. I want a few days- phone less.
As for other material possessions, I want to cut down- especially when packing! It's like I think I'm going to need everything I own whilst I'm away, and so I just try to pack it ALL, just in case.

From now on, I'm going to make a conscious effort to cut down on material items. I don't want to bring anything travelling with me that I will be devastated to lose, apart from my camera of course.
It's ridiculous how emotionally invested we all are with objects, including things like pieces of paper and old socks. Why?! I get that some things remind us of nice memories, but if the memories were so nice, we shouldn't need reminders. It's handy to have things that you need on you, at all times, incase you DO need them, but most of the time we just end up regretting packing so many things, because it just weighs us down, and we don't even use them.

We have come to believe that 'Material Things Are The Best Measure Of Our Quality Of Life'- meaning the bigger our houses, the nicer our cars, the more money we earn and have = the better we and everyone else thinks our lives are. We live in a consumerist world, where all that matters is money, and things that money buy, making us care less about the good things in life.
Like love, and quality time, and nature, and air, and trees, and peace, and serenity.
I want to start living in the moment, rather than taking a photo of something, or experiencing it through a screen. I want to start living life without any baggage- LITERAL baggage. I don't want to be, A Material Girl

British, Blue eyed, Bass playing, Backpacker

A look across the dance floor, a jug of beer.

A crude open liner; honest & forward.

Whispers in our ears & yelling over the music.

Blue eyes & long wooly grandad jumpers.

English accent, music enthusiast, polite & a complete gentleman.

Cuddles under the moonlight & comparing constellations.

Rolling cigarettes between sneaky kisses.

Sand. Lots & lots of sand. 

In our hair, in our clothes, in our eyes.

In our mouths, on our lips.

Warm bodies & cold winds.

Being chased by the rain & watching the waves.

Facial hair & cloudy skies.

Long talks to accompany long walks.

Skin touching skin; tracing patterns.

Going down as the sun comes up.

3 hours sleep & tour guides.

Coffee & cool drinks.

A kiss to accompany a goodbye. 

Romance is not dead.

Thank you world, for this little slice of love

Empty Sheets

I was so used to sleeping to one side.

I was used to a body being beside me.

A body I could cuddle & spoon in the night. 

A body that kept me warm & stole the sheets.

But it's been a while since a body was in my bed.

It's been empty for a long time.

For ages I used it as a desk, a clothes dumping ground, a towel rack, a computer resting ground & just a general surface of things.

& I never roll over.

I never stretch out.

I've kept to this side for a long time.

Not because I think you're coming back.

But I wasn't used to being on my own.

I didn't know what to do with all the extra space.

& then I thought maybe I should leave it for someone else.

If I'm already in the habit of keeping to my side, why get out of it & have to start over again for a new person?

But, Today I came to a realisation.

My mum had cleaned my room & made my bed. 

Which meant is was open & empty & I had it all to myself.

It made me think of when I used to take up every inch I could, enjoying as many sheets as possible & whatever pillow I felt like sleeping on.

It reminded me of early nights & long sleep ins.

It reminded me of laying awake & staring at the ceiling, with just me & my thoughts. 

& I suddenly realised that I'm wasting a perfectly good half of a bed to an imaginary idea.

An idea of love & companionship that was & May or may not come again. 

Probably not anytime soon.

So I was wasting precious time.

Your side has been empty for long enough. & I don't have to fill it with anyone but myself. I can keep myself warm & I don't have to worry about giving anyone else space. Or comfort.

They are empty sheets,

But I can fill them myself.

It's all about me...

& that's how it should be.

Don't forget to love yourself first 💕

A Masterpiece of the Skies

Today I watched the sun light everything on fire.

The flames engulfed the air between the trees & the grass.

It lit up the skies & forced it's way through the clouds in a way that was so beautiful it burned my eyes.

There were shades of orange & pink & yellow & blue & the way they all blurred together was perfect, as if a painter had intended them to be.

It was a masterpiece of the skies.

Every ray of light that burnt the earth & soared through the particles of air were like kisses from the heavens.

Every shade was like a polite introduction.

Telling us politely & in the most incredibly beautiful way, that the day is coming to an end, and we all must say goodbye to our sun.

It waves at us with it's beams & rays.

It kisses our faces & skin, hovering there for the last few seconds.

& then it falls beyond the horizon, leaving faint traces of colours & light before the darkness takes over.

& then the moon presents itself, either half or whole or a quarter.

It watches lovers & caresses the creatures of the night, whether they be hunting for food or hunting for vodka.

It smiles as hundreds of lights appear both around it and below it. 

It brings us, one by one, the beauty & calmness of sleep.

& whilst it waits for the elegant sun, it watches the waves kiss the shore.

& just as the lights all disappear, and the moon is alone in the blackness at last, she cracks between the horizon with the brightest of lights he's ever seen.

He sighs as he sinks back beyond the sea, with the darkness, his last glance of the dancing colours & rays of fire licking the cool morning air.

For the sun the days continues, and for the moon the nights never end

🌞🌝

🌜☀️

🌅🌃

An Endless List Of Options

Everyone says how lucky we teenagers are these days, to have so many options available to us.
We have so much potential.
We have so many pathways to choose from.
& I am grateful.
But sometimes I wonder, if we have too many, and that makes things even harder to choose.

I think life is a bit like this in general at the moment.
There's not just milk or water to choose from for a beverage any more.
It's milk, cola, soda water, mineral water, fanta, lemonade, lemon water, lemon juice, apple juice, orange juice, TOMATO juice (the fuck?), tea, hot chocolate, latte, cappuccino, etc.
It's not even, chocolate or strawberry anymore, it's vanilla, triple chocolate, raspberry swirl, apricot sunrise, you get the picture.
There are so many choices, and options, that it's almost too much.
The ones i've mentioned are merely a slight touch upon some drinks and desert flavours.
I haven't even mentioned the job perspectives!

Don't get me wrong, like i said, I am so grateful to be privileged enough to have all these options open to me, and to live in a world where I get to make a choice on what I want to do, and who I want to be.
All i'm saying is, it's a little overwhelming.
Ok, it's VERY overwhelming.
Having to work everyday for the rest of my life, just to able to afford to live, DEPRESSES ME to no end.
So, I obviously have to find a job that I enjoy, otherwise I won't be able to bear it.
Which begs the question;
asked by all;
asked since I started school;
& asked everyday since;
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?

& the answer?
I couldn't tell you. I still don't know.
& I was always so scared of the future, because I had no plans.
I had no big goal that I wanted to work towards.
But I've learnt something, and that is;
you don't necessarily need a grand plan.
Sure, they're helpful, but not essential.
But life tends to throw us things, in unexpected ways.
There's no way of knowing whats ahead, so why not just live day by day.
Plans are fine, and I have some short term ones, because they are rather helpful.
But as for the long term, who knows? & who cares?

I'm not waiting for anything. 
I don't expect it to come crawling up one day and bite me on the ass.
So I'm just going to do whatever I feel like doing, (within reason) whenever I want to do it.
& hopefully, things will just happen as they are meant to happen.
If I feel like nothing in the world can make me as happy as sailing boats do, then I'll go out and work my ass off to be able to sail boats for the rest of my life.
If I need a PhD in something, to find happiness, then I'll do that too!
But right now, I'll just focus on earning some money, living day by day, enjoying living at home again, and jump at any opportunities that come my way.

Chaos & Pretty Skies

My life's becoming a blur of limited sleep, deafening alarms that go off way too soon and snatch me from my dreams, quick showers, convenient food and hardly any time for fun.
Its getting to the point, where I wake up most mornings feeling disorientated and confused.
I forget what day it is and have a mini panic attack, struggling to remember where I'm meant to be or what I'm meant to be doing.
I'm always behind on sleep and I'm finding it extremely hard to catch up.
I try to make myself have early nights but there's so many things I want to do during the night that I don't have time to do in the day anymore.
I miss sleeps ins.
I miss movie days.
I miss having a social life.
But I don't mind the money.
I'm currently working roughly 42 hours a week, and it's starting to take it's toll already.
Welcome to the Real World, as my father so lovingly points out.
He'll never be satisfied that I work enough.
Even if I worked 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, he would still question whether I'm doing enough.

It does amaze me, however, that even when your life can seem so busy and full, all the little things that make you feel genuinely happy and appreciative of the world.
Every afternoon, as I'm driving home, no matter how many rude customers I served, bitchy co workers I had to deal with, how tired and sad I feel, or how stressful and draining my day was, I am always at awe at the beauty of the sky.
For whatever reason, looking at the sun set in the distance, and the colours it wraps through the clouds, and the light flooding through the gaps, always, without failure, brings me such happiness.
Just looking at it!
Just admiring the beauty and thinking how fortunate we are to live in such a beautiful place.
It wipes my mind of any negative thoughts and literally fills me with some sort of euphoria.
& Isn't that strange?
That such a small thing, that most people overlook, brings me such a boost, in the darkest or dimmest of times.
It's just nice to think, how when your life is a bit chaotic, there will always be beauty and there will always be room for happiness, no matter where you find it.

Chasing Z's

You can never quite catch up on sleep.

Which is a shame because I am forever chasing it.

I am forever losing it.

I never think about morning me, that has to be up at 6 am, when I stay up late into the night & occasionally into the first cracks signalling dawn.

Morning me despises night before me.

& every morning she makes a vow to go to bed early from now on.

So far, that vow has been broken, every night.

Lost sleep is hard to reclaim. 

Almost impossible.

But Sundays often bring me long, drawn out sleep ins that I feel I have deserved throughout my 5 days of early, too soon risings.

You can't get the lost sleep back.

But you can sure as hell try 

Don't get so busy making a living, you forget to make a life

Lately it's been a bit difficult for me, to find time to create things & just be imaginative & creative.

I have a lot of ideas, & I write them down, but I've just been so god damn busy.

I've got 2 jobs now & if I'm lucky I get Sundays & Mondays off, though one of them is usually used to do the house cleaning that has stacked up over the week because I didn't have time to do it!

However, I think if we don't make time for creativity when it is so ingrained in us & ready to burst from our souls, we have an issue.

Therefore, I have decided to make Mondays my fun-days, or, productive days!

Where I use the day to create, make & do.

I've been painting & writing & making videos & songs & it's been great.

There's always time for jotting ideas down or even reading a few pages of my book whilst eating breaky or driving to work.

That last one was a joke. I don't read & drive, I was just seeing if you were paying attention.

It is incredible though, how much you DO manage to fit in between shifts & sleep.

Because really, when you're a creative person, you'll always find time for creating!

Even if sometimes it's your only day off & you would rather sleep in until 3!

I think it's just important to express yourself in any way possible & you should always make time for that.

Besides, it's part of who you are & a part of your life. 

If it makes you happy, should you make it wait?

You know what they say,

Don't get so busy making a living...

That you forget to make a life.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

You know those days;

When it's horrible weather & you just don't want to leave the house?

Or those mornings;

When you would give anything in the world to stay in bed?

It just seems like so much effort.

It looks so miserable out there.

You're inside, safe & warm & nothing can touch you here.

I feel a little like this with life right now.

It's scary & I'm cool just where I am right now.

I don't need to get out there just yet, right?

Besides, 

It's cold outside.

Moving On

Moving on is hard.
It takes time, and it's sometimes a slow process.
Some people rush into it, but aren't fully recovered straight away.
Later on, they realise their rebound was a temporary distraction.
& that they couldn't fill the empty hole.
Others, let time do it's job, and move on when they can.

Moving on is like...
Losing your favourite toy.
Trying to get it back, but not being able to find it.
Feeling devastated about it being gone,
& about being without it.
Feeling lost.
& then...
Staring into the toy shop window, from afar, for months.
& months...
Before eventually, you walk into the shop.
You might have a little look around.
You browse for a while, and take your time.
You don't want to commit to a new toy just yet,
Incase your old toy miraculously turns up.
& comes back.
But eventually, you realise the old toy isn't yours anymore.
That it's officially lost & you will never have it again.
So you allow yourself to explore the shop more,
& test out some of the new toys.
& maybe...
Eventually...
You'll find one a lot better than the last.
One that will make you forget all about the old toy.
Like it never existed in your life at all.

Temporary Insomnia Cure

My mind is so alive at night.

It comes up with ballards & maths equations & the answers to the mysteries of life.

It wants to paint masterpieces, cook 5 course meals & write novels.

But of course, sleep always wins.

Sleep will either take me or prevent me.

If the house is asleep, I can't make noise.

& if I'm asleep I can't do much of anything but dream.

& the best ideas tend to come at the precise moment when my mind meets the edges of unconsciousness.

As I take my first steps through dreamlands gates, the ideas rush in, beckoning me back. 

Of course the best ones beckon on a night before important & early mornings.

Of course.

The idea of insomnia has always fascinated me...

If you couldn't sleep, think of all the spare time you would have to do things!

Learn things.

Id like to think I would use the time wisely.

Learn 5 different languages, become a talented artist, perfect some skills.

But I used to know an insomniac.

& he was very dark.

He told me tales of the darkness taking him. 

Engulfing him.

So that there was a time when he couldn't seperate dream from reality.

Or nightmare from reality.

& I think I cured him for a while.

Shed some light in his dreams.

But only temporarily.

I was always, only temporary.

I Hate That I Love You

I feel so stupid.

I feel like my heart is wasting it's time.

It is.

It's wasting away on someone who couldn't give two shits about me.

Who doesn't even have the decency to talk to me. AGAIN.

But I always thought he was different.

Cliche & stupid.

But I thought he was.

I knew he wasn't like the other assholes, but in the end he was.

Worse even.

& I think it's harder this time because I believed so strongly that he would never hurt me.

I believed he loved me.

I believed in him & I believed in us.

"Never rely on anyone"- my fathers wise words.

A lonely life, but perhaps a less painful one.

I guess you have to sift through some jerks before you meet someone who is right for you!

Like it takes all the assholes messing you around to make you fully appreciate the right person when they FINALLY come along.

I get that, but it kind of sucks right now.

& worst of all,

even though I want to hate him so bad, because it would make this so much easier.

Even though I want to forget all about him & pretend he never existed.

I can't.

I still care about him so much.

I feel sorry for him. 

I worry about him!

I wonder what he's doing. How he's doing. Who he's doing :(

I still want things to work out for him.

I want him to be happy.

I want him to be successful.

I want all his dreams to come true.

I believe in him.

I miss him.

& I hate it, but god damnit.

I love him.

Give Me A Note, Because I Don't Want CHANGE

I feel like, I used to crave change.
Who wants the same boring routine and life? Ew.
I used to think that I was a girl who was so keen to finish school and explore the world.
To CHANGE the world even. 
But fuck. It's scary isn't it?

I think the idea of things being different, and being out of our comfort zones, scares us.
Most of us. 
Some people don't get as emotionally attached as others.
I think I'm one of the emotionally attached idiots.
Or, I'm just comfortable. 
And I am. 

I enjoy going to work.
I get on with my bosses, and my co workers. 
I know most of the customers.
I know what I'm doing, and I'm used to it.
To change, and start over, something I've already done once, is scary.

I love living at home, and always having someone there to talk to.
Always having someone to rely on, and know where you are. To care.
I feel comfortable at home. I can be myself, I can be naked.
I have people who think about me.
Who feed me.
Who help me.

I've gotten used to this lifestyle, and there's no way I want to live it forever.
The idea of progressing through life excites me!
But I want someone to share it with.
I don't want to do it alone.
So maybe it's not so much CHANGE that I'm afraid of.
I just don't want to make big changes, on my own.
I'm not that kind of GAL.
Which I'm either going to CHANGE, or accept that, that's who I am.

I still want to CHANGE THE WORLD.
And explore it.
And I will. 
But maybe having someone to share it with, wouldn't be a bad idea.
Maybe it would make it that much sweeter.
So watch out world, Change is coming, whether we like it or not.

The Importance Of Financial Funds

Why is money not free?
I wish it wasn't such an important thing to have.
Or, scratch that, I wish I had MORE of it!
Think of all the things you could do with money.
An unlimited supply.

I would just love, to make all my little ideas and quirks, a physical thing.
Imagine turning all your weird dreams, into a TV sequel. 
Imagine not liking your wardrobe one day, so you sit down and design your own and just have it all made and put together the next day.
Imagine being able to hop on a Jet and fly anywhere in the world, at any time you like.
Imagine all the freedom.

I'm sure there'd be hate, and greed, and negative outcomes.
But i'm not here to dwell on the darkness.

I think life would be a lot easier if we didn't have to think about money.
I want to be able to just do whatever I want, when I want, without having to think, can I afford this? Or should I be spending money on this?
Imagine all the possibilities....

Dark Heart

It's the nights that get you. 

Every single time.

When the sun disappears beyond the horizon, you're left all alone in the dark.

The nights are when you only have your thoughts for company. 

The memories to recall. 

The empty side of the bed that used to house someone who protected you and would only be a roll over away.

The nights are the toughest.

You can't control your dreams.

You can't tell them to stop thinking about him. 

To stop wanting him and missing him.

To stop recalling his features and his soul.

The nights allow the darkness, to creep into my heart.

The Courtesy Of Chaos

I never liked cleaning my room.
Or keeping it tidy.

Still, as an eighteen year old, I continue to dump things on the floor, not pick up my tissues in the corner that weren't fortunate enough to make it to the bin, not put my clean clothes away so that in the end they join forces with the dirty ones and who knows which are which?!

I have pens everywhere. Where the hell has my 100 pack of bobby pins and 20 pack of hair ties gone? How many tubes of pawpaw ointment have a I lost to the monster under the bed just in the last week? I know that when I do eventually clean my room, I'll have already bought 3 new tubes to replace the old ones, which i've now found, so now I, in actual fact, have 17 tubes. Great!

My life becomes a sort of chaos that turns the usual "what draw is this shirt in?" into a "what pile, in what corner, is that shirt that used to be this colour in?"
I'm kidding it's not that bad! It's actually almost useful. I know my way around anyway.
And how convenient that a week has passed and my straightener is still out, so I don't have to get it out the draw, untangle it and plug it in, because it's already plugged in and waiting for me.

Was this my 'story ideas' notebook? Or my diary? Which notebook did I write my shifts down in? The one with the camera on it? I'm a film student, photography loving, notebook hoarder, THEY ALL HAVE CAMERAS ON THEM GOD DAMMIT!

The Chaos of Clothes is getting a tad out of hand, but not so much when all I've been doing is working. I have no one to impress anymore. Who do I need to look attractive for? If there's some clothes that were REAL nasty, they'll either have gone in the washing bin, or will have missed my 3-pointer attempt and be piled AROUND the washing bin (sorry nan!). So I know not to rewear those ones. If there's clothes scrunched up on my bed, then they're just reject outfit choices from the day before that I couldn't look twice at, and only touched my body for a fraction of a second. The ones on the floor I would have worn for half a day, but decided they weren't worn enough to be washed. And the piles that still remain slightly tidy, will be the new clean ones that, yes, I will get around to putting away, Mum.

My laptop's been sleeping on the empty side of the bed. It sometime's gets the floor, but mostly it gets to sleep beside me. Usually there's a stack of notebooks with folded pages and jotted notes sprawled beside and around it. Although, they usually get lost under the mountains of clothes. I bought a new shower scrubber last week, but haven't gotten around to using it yet as it's still in the bag with the receipt at the end of my bed.

I knocked my Jewellery stand over but decided to let future Jessie who wasn't in a rush to deal with that. She still hasn't and there's necklaces, a bun maker, brackets and earrings scattered around my wardrobe. A jumper fell from the top shelf the other day when I attempted to get a belt down, it's still there now blocking the wardrobe doors tracks so it can't actually close.

The bathroom is just as chaotic, with my various make up products laid out separately from each other. A selection of different earrings to choose from, ten bonus points if you can find a matching pair. All sorts of creams and lotions, what do I even use this for again? Toothpaste. One's empty, but I couldn't tell you which one. How many toothbrushes does a girl need? Is that soap bottle empty now? Why did I open a new one? Oh there's a towel rail? The door handle will do!

I'm messy. But sometimes the Chaos is comforting. At least I know where everything is. At least for me, there's some order to it all. Sometimes it's just as good as tidiness. Everything is where it should be, and when I can't find something, it might lend me a hand.

As is,
The Courtesy Of Chaos

A Boy

I once wrote about a boy. Doesn't that sound vague and familiar? 
But this boy, was a boy I would turn out to eventually love, very much. 
Again, quite predictable. 
This boy also, spoiler alert, would one day break my heart. Has broken it. Has made me cry. Has yelled at me. Has left me feeling abandoned in times of need. Has broken my trust. Has been mean and called me names and sworn at me. Has made me feel like dirt. 
But this boy, has never physically hurt me. 

This boy is sad. His soul is damaged, his heart raw. 
His childhood scarring, emotionally and psychologically. 
This boy gets mad. He breaks down. I've seen him cry, and sob and weep, many times.
This boy tries to hide behind a mask of care-free, but he's scared.
Of rejection, of not being liked, of not achieving his dreams, of not leaving his mark on the world. Of being alone. Of being deserted.
So he hurts. He pushes away. He puts on a brave face and pretend he doesn't care. 
Pretends he doesn't feel. But he does. He feels more than most. 
He thinks deeply and uniquely.

This boy, sadness aside, hurt me. He made me cry. A lot. I could fill at least four bath tubs with all the tears that I have split for him. On his behalf. But, broken hearts and bathtubs of tears, aside, I care about this boy, still. I love this boy, still. Be it a friendly love, a romantic love, or maybe just a caring love. 
I'm not still 'In Love' with this boy, but I love him. I love him a lot. 
I want him to be happy. I want him to be whole. I want him to realise that, around me, he doesn't have to be guarded. That i won't judge him.
Sometimes, mostly due to alcohol or drugs, he is open; his heart and mind.
He lets me in for a while, to listen and see in side a little. To explore. But there's never enough time. Most of the time he is guarded; with his hear and with his mind. 
But I wish he could let me inside the walls and trust me to protect his castle; his secrets, hopes, dreams, fears, passion, loves, desires and needs. I wish he would let me see the real him, all the time.

I'm scared. I'm fragile & emotional. 
I can't help feeling that relying on his the first time around was a mistake. It was.
He told me he doesn't want to be relied on, but maybe secretly, he wants to rely on someone too. But maybe he's afraid. Of getting hurt & disappointed. Because I think he's experienced some of that before. Haven't we all?

I'm worried. Because I think I want him to love me. I think I want him to care and rely on me. I think I want him to realise that i'm the one who understands him the most, and knows him, and will help him and support him through it all, as long as he returns the favour.
Because LOVE is about exposing yourself to people, your vulnerable self and trusting and relying on them not to take advantage of that and break your heart. But what if he doesn't want that? 

What if he breaks my heart again?

In Love With The Past

It's tough to go through big changes. Especially break ups.
I recently met up and rekindled things with my ex-boyfriend, but not to the extent of getting back together, we're just taking things slow and seeing how they go.

But it was almost too easy to slip back into the old ways and habits. We knew, and still know each other so well, so it's hard not to. But it's been roughly 3 months since he's contacted me. He also broke up with me. There were various reasons, mainly because we were fighting quite often, he was sick of making me cry all the time, and to be honest, he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, no where near. And was I? I thought I was, but thinking about it now, I feel like a 3 month break, as hard as it was at first, was what we needed. Even if it means that we don't work out. We've both had time to think things over, and we're both keen to see how we go as we are now, but whether one of us decides we only missed the idea of us, or whether one of us decides we really do love each other, at least we gave it a shot either way. At least we won't always wonder 'what if'.

It's tough though. To know if it's going to work out, or if we're both just in love with the past. In love with the comfortableness of each other. In love with the ideal couple we both imagine we can be. In love with the good memories. In love with familiarity. In love with sex. In love with the idea of love.

Am I in love with the past? Or can love really work... the second time around.

I Walked The Noosa National Park Today

Holy shit it was hot! & why do people like exercise? I don't get it! It was hard & hot & sweaty & now my feet hurt a lot! We did however, end our walk here & then proceeded to climb the rocks, swim in that beautiful clear blue water & just float there while the sun rose a bit higher in the sky & the people started to come out of their shells. How many people have the opportunity to do a walk & swim as beautiful as this one? Painful but worth every bead of sweat, every steep rocky incline & every old guy that checked out my friends boobs.

Noosa ❤️

An Introduction

Hello Internet,

I think introductions are in order. My name is Jessie. I'm turning 19 this year and i don't know how to feel about that. I'm already wondering where my childhood went. 

Some Labels; 

• Amateur Musician 
• Film Student/Learner
• Newbie Youtuber
• Born in England, Raised in Australia 
• A bit of a Hopeless Romantic
• Mostly Optimistic
• Aspiring Traveller
• Athiest
• Harry Potter Nerd

Some Personality Traits;

• Sarcastic
• Passionate
• Sometimes Naive
• Creative
• A Little Crazy
• Drama Queen
• Honest

Some Favourites;

• Food- Chocolate & sausages (not together)
• Hot beverage- TEA
• Music Genre- Rock & Roll
• Bands- Queen, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Mumford & Sons
• Animal- Dogs
• Place- Home
• Season- Spring
• School Subject- History
• Day of the Week- Sunday
• Tv Shows- Walking Dead, How I Met Your Mother, American Horror Story
• Books- Harry Potters

My reason for starting this blog & youtube (www.youtube.com/cupboardunderstairs1);

I think everyone wants to leave their mark on the world, and I really do just want to share what i've got and be noticed and liked. I feel like i have a lot to share and that I would really benefit from both blogging and vlogging!

I hope someone out there does get to read this, but if not, then it's just you internet.

My Soul Is Forever Yours,

Jessie x