A Boy

I once wrote about a boy. Doesn't that sound vague and familiar? 
But this boy, was a boy I would turn out to eventually love, very much. 
Again, quite predictable. 
This boy also, spoiler alert, would one day break my heart. Has broken it. Has made me cry. Has yelled at me. Has left me feeling abandoned in times of need. Has broken my trust. Has been mean and called me names and sworn at me. Has made me feel like dirt. 
But this boy, has never physically hurt me. 

This boy is sad. His soul is damaged, his heart raw. 
His childhood scarring, emotionally and psychologically. 
This boy gets mad. He breaks down. I've seen him cry, and sob and weep, many times.
This boy tries to hide behind a mask of care-free, but he's scared.
Of rejection, of not being liked, of not achieving his dreams, of not leaving his mark on the world. Of being alone. Of being deserted.
So he hurts. He pushes away. He puts on a brave face and pretend he doesn't care. 
Pretends he doesn't feel. But he does. He feels more than most. 
He thinks deeply and uniquely.

This boy, sadness aside, hurt me. He made me cry. A lot. I could fill at least four bath tubs with all the tears that I have split for him. On his behalf. But, broken hearts and bathtubs of tears, aside, I care about this boy, still. I love this boy, still. Be it a friendly love, a romantic love, or maybe just a caring love. 
I'm not still 'In Love' with this boy, but I love him. I love him a lot. 
I want him to be happy. I want him to be whole. I want him to realise that, around me, he doesn't have to be guarded. That i won't judge him.
Sometimes, mostly due to alcohol or drugs, he is open; his heart and mind.
He lets me in for a while, to listen and see in side a little. To explore. But there's never enough time. Most of the time he is guarded; with his hear and with his mind. 
But I wish he could let me inside the walls and trust me to protect his castle; his secrets, hopes, dreams, fears, passion, loves, desires and needs. I wish he would let me see the real him, all the time.

I'm scared. I'm fragile & emotional. 
I can't help feeling that relying on his the first time around was a mistake. It was.
He told me he doesn't want to be relied on, but maybe secretly, he wants to rely on someone too. But maybe he's afraid. Of getting hurt & disappointed. Because I think he's experienced some of that before. Haven't we all?

I'm worried. Because I think I want him to love me. I think I want him to care and rely on me. I think I want him to realise that i'm the one who understands him the most, and knows him, and will help him and support him through it all, as long as he returns the favour.
Because LOVE is about exposing yourself to people, your vulnerable self and trusting and relying on them not to take advantage of that and break your heart. But what if he doesn't want that? 

What if he breaks my heart again?