A Boy

I once wrote about a boy. Doesn't that sound vague and familiar? 
But this boy, was a boy I would turn out to eventually love, very much. 
Again, quite predictable. 
This boy also, spoiler alert, would one day break my heart. Has broken it. Has made me cry. Has yelled at me. Has left me feeling abandoned in times of need. Has broken my trust. Has been mean and called me names and sworn at me. Has made me feel like dirt. 
But this boy, has never physically hurt me. 

This boy is sad. His soul is damaged, his heart raw. 
His childhood scarring, emotionally and psychologically. 
This boy gets mad. He breaks down. I've seen him cry, and sob and weep, many times.
This boy tries to hide behind a mask of care-free, but he's scared.
Of rejection, of not being liked, of not achieving his dreams, of not leaving his mark on the world. Of being alone. Of being deserted.
So he hurts. He pushes away. He puts on a brave face and pretend he doesn't care. 
Pretends he doesn't feel. But he does. He feels more than most. 
He thinks deeply and uniquely.

This boy, sadness aside, hurt me. He made me cry. A lot. I could fill at least four bath tubs with all the tears that I have split for him. On his behalf. But, broken hearts and bathtubs of tears, aside, I care about this boy, still. I love this boy, still. Be it a friendly love, a romantic love, or maybe just a caring love. 
I'm not still 'In Love' with this boy, but I love him. I love him a lot. 
I want him to be happy. I want him to be whole. I want him to realise that, around me, he doesn't have to be guarded. That i won't judge him.
Sometimes, mostly due to alcohol or drugs, he is open; his heart and mind.
He lets me in for a while, to listen and see in side a little. To explore. But there's never enough time. Most of the time he is guarded; with his hear and with his mind. 
But I wish he could let me inside the walls and trust me to protect his castle; his secrets, hopes, dreams, fears, passion, loves, desires and needs. I wish he would let me see the real him, all the time.

I'm scared. I'm fragile & emotional. 
I can't help feeling that relying on his the first time around was a mistake. It was.
He told me he doesn't want to be relied on, but maybe secretly, he wants to rely on someone too. But maybe he's afraid. Of getting hurt & disappointed. Because I think he's experienced some of that before. Haven't we all?

I'm worried. Because I think I want him to love me. I think I want him to care and rely on me. I think I want him to realise that i'm the one who understands him the most, and knows him, and will help him and support him through it all, as long as he returns the favour.
Because LOVE is about exposing yourself to people, your vulnerable self and trusting and relying on them not to take advantage of that and break your heart. But what if he doesn't want that? 

What if he breaks my heart again?

In Love With The Past

It's tough to go through big changes. Especially break ups.
I recently met up and rekindled things with my ex-boyfriend, but not to the extent of getting back together, we're just taking things slow and seeing how they go.

But it was almost too easy to slip back into the old ways and habits. We knew, and still know each other so well, so it's hard not to. But it's been roughly 3 months since he's contacted me. He also broke up with me. There were various reasons, mainly because we were fighting quite often, he was sick of making me cry all the time, and to be honest, he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, no where near. And was I? I thought I was, but thinking about it now, I feel like a 3 month break, as hard as it was at first, was what we needed. Even if it means that we don't work out. We've both had time to think things over, and we're both keen to see how we go as we are now, but whether one of us decides we only missed the idea of us, or whether one of us decides we really do love each other, at least we gave it a shot either way. At least we won't always wonder 'what if'.

It's tough though. To know if it's going to work out, or if we're both just in love with the past. In love with the comfortableness of each other. In love with the ideal couple we both imagine we can be. In love with the good memories. In love with familiarity. In love with sex. In love with the idea of love.

Am I in love with the past? Or can love really work... the second time around.

I Walked The Noosa National Park Today

Holy shit it was hot! & why do people like exercise? I don't get it! It was hard & hot & sweaty & now my feet hurt a lot! We did however, end our walk here & then proceeded to climb the rocks, swim in that beautiful clear blue water & just float there while the sun rose a bit higher in the sky & the people started to come out of their shells. How many people have the opportunity to do a walk & swim as beautiful as this one? Painful but worth every bead of sweat, every steep rocky incline & every old guy that checked out my friends boobs.

Noosa ❤️

An Introduction

Hello Internet,

I think introductions are in order. My name is Jessie. I'm turning 19 this year and i don't know how to feel about that. I'm already wondering where my childhood went. 

Some Labels; 

• Amateur Musician 
• Film Student/Learner
• Newbie Youtuber
• Born in England, Raised in Australia 
• A bit of a Hopeless Romantic
• Mostly Optimistic
• Aspiring Traveller
• Athiest
• Harry Potter Nerd

Some Personality Traits;

• Sarcastic
• Passionate
• Sometimes Naive
• Creative
• A Little Crazy
• Drama Queen
• Honest

Some Favourites;

• Food- Chocolate & sausages (not together)
• Hot beverage- TEA
• Music Genre- Rock & Roll
• Bands- Queen, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Mumford & Sons
• Animal- Dogs
• Place- Home
• Season- Spring
• School Subject- History
• Day of the Week- Sunday
• Tv Shows- Walking Dead, How I Met Your Mother, American Horror Story
• Books- Harry Potters

My reason for starting this blog & youtube (www.youtube.com/cupboardunderstairs1);

I think everyone wants to leave their mark on the world, and I really do just want to share what i've got and be noticed and liked. I feel like i have a lot to share and that I would really benefit from both blogging and vlogging!

I hope someone out there does get to read this, but if not, then it's just you internet.

My Soul Is Forever Yours,

Jessie x