Baby, It's Cold Outside

You know those days;

When it's horrible weather & you just don't want to leave the house?

Or those mornings;

When you would give anything in the world to stay in bed?

It just seems like so much effort.

It looks so miserable out there.

You're inside, safe & warm & nothing can touch you here.

I feel a little like this with life right now.

It's scary & I'm cool just where I am right now.

I don't need to get out there just yet, right?

Besides, 

It's cold outside.

Moving On

Moving on is hard.
It takes time, and it's sometimes a slow process.
Some people rush into it, but aren't fully recovered straight away.
Later on, they realise their rebound was a temporary distraction.
& that they couldn't fill the empty hole.
Others, let time do it's job, and move on when they can.

Moving on is like...
Losing your favourite toy.
Trying to get it back, but not being able to find it.
Feeling devastated about it being gone,
& about being without it.
Feeling lost.
& then...
Staring into the toy shop window, from afar, for months.
& months...
Before eventually, you walk into the shop.
You might have a little look around.
You browse for a while, and take your time.
You don't want to commit to a new toy just yet,
Incase your old toy miraculously turns up.
& comes back.
But eventually, you realise the old toy isn't yours anymore.
That it's officially lost & you will never have it again.
So you allow yourself to explore the shop more,
& test out some of the new toys.
& maybe...
Eventually...
You'll find one a lot better than the last.
One that will make you forget all about the old toy.
Like it never existed in your life at all.

Temporary Insomnia Cure

My mind is so alive at night.

It comes up with ballards & maths equations & the answers to the mysteries of life.

It wants to paint masterpieces, cook 5 course meals & write novels.

But of course, sleep always wins.

Sleep will either take me or prevent me.

If the house is asleep, I can't make noise.

& if I'm asleep I can't do much of anything but dream.

& the best ideas tend to come at the precise moment when my mind meets the edges of unconsciousness.

As I take my first steps through dreamlands gates, the ideas rush in, beckoning me back. 

Of course the best ones beckon on a night before important & early mornings.

Of course.

The idea of insomnia has always fascinated me...

If you couldn't sleep, think of all the spare time you would have to do things!

Learn things.

Id like to think I would use the time wisely.

Learn 5 different languages, become a talented artist, perfect some skills.

But I used to know an insomniac.

& he was very dark.

He told me tales of the darkness taking him. 

Engulfing him.

So that there was a time when he couldn't seperate dream from reality.

Or nightmare from reality.

& I think I cured him for a while.

Shed some light in his dreams.

But only temporarily.

I was always, only temporary.

I Hate That I Love You

I feel so stupid.

I feel like my heart is wasting it's time.

It is.

It's wasting away on someone who couldn't give two shits about me.

Who doesn't even have the decency to talk to me. AGAIN.

But I always thought he was different.

Cliche & stupid.

But I thought he was.

I knew he wasn't like the other assholes, but in the end he was.

Worse even.

& I think it's harder this time because I believed so strongly that he would never hurt me.

I believed he loved me.

I believed in him & I believed in us.

"Never rely on anyone"- my fathers wise words.

A lonely life, but perhaps a less painful one.

I guess you have to sift through some jerks before you meet someone who is right for you!

Like it takes all the assholes messing you around to make you fully appreciate the right person when they FINALLY come along.

I get that, but it kind of sucks right now.

& worst of all,

even though I want to hate him so bad, because it would make this so much easier.

Even though I want to forget all about him & pretend he never existed.

I can't.

I still care about him so much.

I feel sorry for him. 

I worry about him!

I wonder what he's doing. How he's doing. Who he's doing :(

I still want things to work out for him.

I want him to be happy.

I want him to be successful.

I want all his dreams to come true.

I believe in him.

I miss him.

& I hate it, but god damnit.

I love him.

Give Me A Note, Because I Don't Want CHANGE

I feel like, I used to crave change.
Who wants the same boring routine and life? Ew.
I used to think that I was a girl who was so keen to finish school and explore the world.
To CHANGE the world even. 
But fuck. It's scary isn't it?

I think the idea of things being different, and being out of our comfort zones, scares us.
Most of us. 
Some people don't get as emotionally attached as others.
I think I'm one of the emotionally attached idiots.
Or, I'm just comfortable. 
And I am. 

I enjoy going to work.
I get on with my bosses, and my co workers. 
I know most of the customers.
I know what I'm doing, and I'm used to it.
To change, and start over, something I've already done once, is scary.

I love living at home, and always having someone there to talk to.
Always having someone to rely on, and know where you are. To care.
I feel comfortable at home. I can be myself, I can be naked.
I have people who think about me.
Who feed me.
Who help me.

I've gotten used to this lifestyle, and there's no way I want to live it forever.
The idea of progressing through life excites me!
But I want someone to share it with.
I don't want to do it alone.
So maybe it's not so much CHANGE that I'm afraid of.
I just don't want to make big changes, on my own.
I'm not that kind of GAL.
Which I'm either going to CHANGE, or accept that, that's who I am.

I still want to CHANGE THE WORLD.
And explore it.
And I will. 
But maybe having someone to share it with, wouldn't be a bad idea.
Maybe it would make it that much sweeter.
So watch out world, Change is coming, whether we like it or not.

The Importance Of Financial Funds

Why is money not free?
I wish it wasn't such an important thing to have.
Or, scratch that, I wish I had MORE of it!
Think of all the things you could do with money.
An unlimited supply.

I would just love, to make all my little ideas and quirks, a physical thing.
Imagine turning all your weird dreams, into a TV sequel. 
Imagine not liking your wardrobe one day, so you sit down and design your own and just have it all made and put together the next day.
Imagine being able to hop on a Jet and fly anywhere in the world, at any time you like.
Imagine all the freedom.

I'm sure there'd be hate, and greed, and negative outcomes.
But i'm not here to dwell on the darkness.

I think life would be a lot easier if we didn't have to think about money.
I want to be able to just do whatever I want, when I want, without having to think, can I afford this? Or should I be spending money on this?
Imagine all the possibilities....

Dark Heart

It's the nights that get you. 

Every single time.

When the sun disappears beyond the horizon, you're left all alone in the dark.

The nights are when you only have your thoughts for company. 

The memories to recall. 

The empty side of the bed that used to house someone who protected you and would only be a roll over away.

The nights are the toughest.

You can't control your dreams.

You can't tell them to stop thinking about him. 

To stop wanting him and missing him.

To stop recalling his features and his soul.

The nights allow the darkness, to creep into my heart.

The Courtesy Of Chaos

I never liked cleaning my room.
Or keeping it tidy.

Still, as an eighteen year old, I continue to dump things on the floor, not pick up my tissues in the corner that weren't fortunate enough to make it to the bin, not put my clean clothes away so that in the end they join forces with the dirty ones and who knows which are which?!

I have pens everywhere. Where the hell has my 100 pack of bobby pins and 20 pack of hair ties gone? How many tubes of pawpaw ointment have a I lost to the monster under the bed just in the last week? I know that when I do eventually clean my room, I'll have already bought 3 new tubes to replace the old ones, which i've now found, so now I, in actual fact, have 17 tubes. Great!

My life becomes a sort of chaos that turns the usual "what draw is this shirt in?" into a "what pile, in what corner, is that shirt that used to be this colour in?"
I'm kidding it's not that bad! It's actually almost useful. I know my way around anyway.
And how convenient that a week has passed and my straightener is still out, so I don't have to get it out the draw, untangle it and plug it in, because it's already plugged in and waiting for me.

Was this my 'story ideas' notebook? Or my diary? Which notebook did I write my shifts down in? The one with the camera on it? I'm a film student, photography loving, notebook hoarder, THEY ALL HAVE CAMERAS ON THEM GOD DAMMIT!

The Chaos of Clothes is getting a tad out of hand, but not so much when all I've been doing is working. I have no one to impress anymore. Who do I need to look attractive for? If there's some clothes that were REAL nasty, they'll either have gone in the washing bin, or will have missed my 3-pointer attempt and be piled AROUND the washing bin (sorry nan!). So I know not to rewear those ones. If there's clothes scrunched up on my bed, then they're just reject outfit choices from the day before that I couldn't look twice at, and only touched my body for a fraction of a second. The ones on the floor I would have worn for half a day, but decided they weren't worn enough to be washed. And the piles that still remain slightly tidy, will be the new clean ones that, yes, I will get around to putting away, Mum.

My laptop's been sleeping on the empty side of the bed. It sometime's gets the floor, but mostly it gets to sleep beside me. Usually there's a stack of notebooks with folded pages and jotted notes sprawled beside and around it. Although, they usually get lost under the mountains of clothes. I bought a new shower scrubber last week, but haven't gotten around to using it yet as it's still in the bag with the receipt at the end of my bed.

I knocked my Jewellery stand over but decided to let future Jessie who wasn't in a rush to deal with that. She still hasn't and there's necklaces, a bun maker, brackets and earrings scattered around my wardrobe. A jumper fell from the top shelf the other day when I attempted to get a belt down, it's still there now blocking the wardrobe doors tracks so it can't actually close.

The bathroom is just as chaotic, with my various make up products laid out separately from each other. A selection of different earrings to choose from, ten bonus points if you can find a matching pair. All sorts of creams and lotions, what do I even use this for again? Toothpaste. One's empty, but I couldn't tell you which one. How many toothbrushes does a girl need? Is that soap bottle empty now? Why did I open a new one? Oh there's a towel rail? The door handle will do!

I'm messy. But sometimes the Chaos is comforting. At least I know where everything is. At least for me, there's some order to it all. Sometimes it's just as good as tidiness. Everything is where it should be, and when I can't find something, it might lend me a hand.

As is,
The Courtesy Of Chaos