I Hate That I Love You

I feel so stupid.

I feel like my heart is wasting it's time.

It is.

It's wasting away on someone who couldn't give two shits about me.

Who doesn't even have the decency to talk to me. AGAIN.

But I always thought he was different.

Cliche & stupid.

But I thought he was.

I knew he wasn't like the other assholes, but in the end he was.

Worse even.

& I think it's harder this time because I believed so strongly that he would never hurt me.

I believed he loved me.

I believed in him & I believed in us.

"Never rely on anyone"- my fathers wise words.

A lonely life, but perhaps a less painful one.

I guess you have to sift through some jerks before you meet someone who is right for you!

Like it takes all the assholes messing you around to make you fully appreciate the right person when they FINALLY come along.

I get that, but it kind of sucks right now.

& worst of all,

even though I want to hate him so bad, because it would make this so much easier.

Even though I want to forget all about him & pretend he never existed.

I can't.

I still care about him so much.

I feel sorry for him. 

I worry about him!

I wonder what he's doing. How he's doing. Who he's doing :(

I still want things to work out for him.

I want him to be happy.

I want him to be successful.

I want all his dreams to come true.

I believe in him.

I miss him.

& I hate it, but god damnit.

I love him.