Beyond an Old Fear

I rely on other people for my own happiness too much.

I don’t do it on purpose, it happens on it’s own.

I get sad when I don’t get a reply straight away. I worry. I stress.

Someone or something must be more interesting than me.

And then there are times when I think I am super. I am great.

But I am still only me. & I have flaws. And faults.

But also great characteristics and funny moments.

I’m unique. I’m different. I’m only a girl. I’m also a person.

I have my ups and I have my downs.

I have my sad days, and I have my happy days. I’m only human.

& I want someone who loves both of those sides, without question.

Who will take me for the whole picture, not just the pretty side with the greener grass and brighter skies.

& I think it’s natural that people attach themselves to others, emotionally.

& I am emotional, very emotional, so it’s even worse for me.

& I’m not saying I want it to end, I just want to be more self sufficient.

I just don’t know how.

How can I not let anyone else effect my happiness? How can I make myself happy?

I don’t know, I just feel empty.

My life is lacking direction right now and I want to leave and travel and live.

But there’s things holding me here, and life is holding me here.

& I’m letting it.

& I feel alone, and that makes me sad.

& there’s all these love stories that we grow up with, that teach us to have false expectations of love and of boys and of relationships, and they suck.

Because maybe there isn’t such thing as a soul mate.

Maybe there isn’t a knight in shining armour or a prince charming who will come and sweep me off my feet.

& I don’t know if I like that.

I don’t want to just settle for anyone. I want a hurricane to cut across my fields, tear me up from the roots, like an old tree, and rip me out of the ground so hard, that I don’t even have a second of time to look back on what my life was.

Am I asking for a miracle?

I just feel sad.

I just want to be loved.

Is that too much to ask?