Filling the Void

There's always a boy...

Why is there always a boy?

There's so many nights that I spend alone, thinking about where else I could be.
Thinking about who else I could be with, or who I could be talking to.
Or what I could be achieving ...
It seems like, even when there's someone with a genuine interest in me, it's never the someone I want it to be, and is that ungrateful or is that right?
Do I deserve someone I want, or should I settle for someone who wants me?
Should I wait around for someone who might never come along?
Of course I should, but it's killing me.
I hate that I'm so emotionally dependent on other people.
I feel like there was a time when I wasn't, but I've gotten into this seemingly irreversible cycle where I'm constantly relying on someone else to feel happy or validated.
Sometimes I just feel really sad and empty, like I could float away with the lightest of breezes.

Katy Perry once sung: "Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag, sailing through the wind... ready to start again?".. & I always thought they were stupid lyrics, because who the hell compares themselves to a plastic bag? But it's actually a very relatable metaphor... I feel like I could easily be swept up and blown away because I feel this emptiness and this lightness, like I'm transparent and hollow...
& I don't know how to fill the void.
I'm hoping that travelling Europe will either fill the void for a while, and open up this creativity and happiness inside of me, or that it will help guide me to find what will fill the void!
& it's funny because, we all go searching for ourselves as if our identities are lost objects, but really they're buried deep inside of us and most of us are just too scared to look inside on our own.
Most of us are so brainwashed with societies expectations and what we think we should want and who we think we should be that we never let ourselves work on instinct anymore.
We've broken away from nature and severed our spiritual ties almost completely.
& I'm not talking about God here, I'm talking about our sense of selves.
We lost it in a chaotic mess of selfies, instant messaging, nudes, video chats, texting, and the works.

So maybe if I force myself to go and live somewhere where I have no financial stability, I'm out of my comfort zone and I'm completely surrounded by nature and semi-cut off from the technological world, I will finally be able to find what I need to fill the void.